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July 15 Sweet Summertime..Well, I'll tell you right now that I've never had a summer like this.
Starting at the beginning: May 10th. This is the day I bought my puppy. Lucy. She was born on Febuary 9t. She is a shizu/yorkie. Only cost me $500 at Pet Parade, but she is worth so much more to me now.
My 17th birthday was on the 13th of May. I went to my sister's house and we had ice cream cake and hung out with the fam. It was a pretty good day.
I've been going to the lake this summer and LOVING it. Which is a shoker because I'm not exactly an "outdoors" kind of girl.
Basically this summer has been nothing but tanning, shopping, sleeping, working and good times.
Except for one thing. Courtney.
Courtney moved to Fargo on July 2nd. I miss her alot. We kind of left everything up in the air, but hopefully we don't drift too far apart. I really love her and even though the last few months before she left were shakey and distanced, I really do think about her all the time. I'm going to see her in August or September, gotta wait for some days off.
Speaking of days off, guess where I'm going on Aug 23rd? TO SEE BRAD PAISLEY! I love him so much! Plus, he's bringing Taylor Swift (i adore her), Kellie Pickler, and Jack Ingrahm. I'm so excited. Not just that, but we're going to Valleyfair and the Mall of America. I couldn't ask for a better way to end the summer. August 11 Just Breakdown..sometimes you feel like crying is the only thing left for you to do or maybe you don't it might just be me i've ran around this world more than a few times i've run out of ideas and it hurts too much to sit and watch my life fall apart June 26 See How Many Bands You Can Find In These Lyrics..Taxi Driver Lyrics By Gym Class Heroes I took cutie for a ride in my deathcab She tipped me with a kiss I dropped her off at the meth lab Before she left she made a dashboard confessional And spilled her guts in cursive but whats worse is I could still see her bright eyes like sunny day real estate Oh my and in a funny way it irritates So high but no chance My little chemical romance left a bad taste in my mouth But I imposed her like hey mercedes why the long face Why you cryin? theres no need Just put on this coheed and fallout Boy meets girl jimmy eat world But Schlep eats pills till hes all out Not once not twice she was thrice times a lady Mackin on brand new, but I had to Bounce over to the postal service to Pick up these pills that take care of my nervousness And all the way I saw planes that were mistooken for stars She played games but she took em too far At the drive in Watching soft porn and you can tell By the trail of the dead, that there was somethin in the popcorn I hop in my cab destination midtown Just to get up with some kids that like to get down I'd made my rounds and that was that In between the frowns and scraps and heart attacks And I remember I seen her ass in early november On a thursday takein back sunday for a refund She shot a wink like no hard feelings Then she jetted to brazil man them pills had me spun This is the story of the year right here This is hot water music Put ya ramen into it April 06 Please Remember Me..Life is short.
Too short to waste it in front of a computer, typing an online journal.
Although nothing gives me more joy than sharing my life with the rest of the world via this blog, I do beleive it's time for me to stop and smell the roses.
Because it's difficult to live life, when you're writing it all down.
This is my final blog. March 12 My Nails Are Chipping, Let's Go Eat Twinkies..Well, It's Sunday and it's been nearly a week since I've blogged. I guess that means it's about time. Not like I'm guna remember anything very well. But I will do my best.
First of all I'd like to ask you all about my pokemon video that I found on the internet. Do you not love it? Because I do. It makes my heart go all a-flutter. It just makes me happy and amused. I really don't know why. You might hate it. But I think it's the best thing since Ramen noodles. And if you have had Ramen noodles, I think you know how good that is.
Umm.. now I think I'll get started on what I did all week. On Thursday I drove down to Fargo with Megan and her mom and dad. We got a hotel room when we got there and then me and Megan walked to the mall. A few hours later we went to the Olive Garden and then went shopping until finally returning to the hotel at 10:30. Where I then chose the clothes I'd wear the next day and laid them out. Megan's mom explained to me that she wanted Friday to be a "family day" and since I'm not part of the family, she wanted me to find something to do all day and then somewhere to stay for the night. The only person I knew I could go with was Richard. So I called him, but he was "occupied", so then I finally went to sleep after many hours of watching Law & Order: SVU.
On Friday morning I called Richard and he came to pick me up from the hotel at 10:05 a.m. Of course, I wasn't ready to go at 10:05 so he had to sit there and wait for me to get ready. We left at around 10:20 or so and I was with him ALL day.
We drove to his apartment or whatever and watched tv for a little while. Then we smoked. At that point in time I REALLY wanted to watch Napolean Dynomite. So he told me to put it in. We watched that and when it was over, both of us were too lazy to shut it off. So it sat on the main menu for 10 minutes or so and then went to a blank screen. Then 10 more minutes later the DVD player shut off automatically, which unvailed a fuzzy girl's high school basketball game on one of the local channels. Again, neither of us wanted to get up and change the channel, so we watched basketball for 3 hours. Quite entertaining I must say.
Hours went by and we just hung out. It's the best thing ever. When you can just hang out with your friend. FRIEND. That's what I said. Richard is one of my closest friends and I'm so glad for that. I don't what I'd do if he hated me like he used to after we broke up. But now we're closer than close and that is how I want it to stay. Because I honestly trust him more than I trust any of my other friends.
At around 9:30 or 10 Richard said I should be leaving soon because his girlfriend was going to come over. I didn't wanna be in the way so I called my papa and he came to pick me up. We went grocery shopping and hit Arby's on the way to his apartment in downtown Fargo. It was trippy as fuck but you know I love my papa.
Saturday I sat around my dad's apartment while he was at work. I was in so much pain from sleeping on the floor, but it was worth it, because I really missed my dad. I showered in his weird 1950's shower/tub and it was awkward. I got water all over the floor and almost flooded the building. It was horrible, but I managed to clean it up right away. At around 3 or 3:30, Megan and her parents showed up and we left town.
We got to Minot at 8 something and Megan asked if we could take the car and cruise. So we did. We picked up Nikki and then got DaNae and we did about 2 Broadways. And here's where the night begins...
DaNae gets a call form one of her ex boyfriend's friends and they invite us to go out to Berthold. It appeared that they were all just hanging out and drinking but there were no girls so they wanted us to go up there. I didn't want to. First of all, it was 9:30 and Megan needed to be home at 10. Also, Nikki needed to be home at 11. So it was impossible. But everyone else wanted to, so we did.
We drive out to Berthold and go to Jason's* house. (*I'm not going to use his real name because I'm not shure if it's safe for me, or him, to do so). Pritty much everyone there was wasted already. To give you a time frame, it would be around 10:00 at this time. I could not stop staring at Dean. Ahh. He was.. IS.. so fuckken hott! We hung out for awhile and DaNae was actually the first girl to get on someone. Not saying she started the nonsense, but I DO think it was somewhat ironic that there were four guys and four girls. But this isn't even half of it yet, the night goes on...
We gathered all the girls together and decided to leave at 10:45. We all gave and recieved hugs and then got in the car. As we started driving out of town, we began talking and the first thing I said was, "THAT DEAN GUY IS SO FUKKEN HOTT". Everyone was like "OH MY GOD, YEAH HE IS". I felt like a third grader.. "I call that boy". How juvinile. But I didn't care, I wanted him. Right After I said "I call Dean", DaNae said "I call Jason*", then Nikki said "I guess I call Joe then". And Megan was like " I call.. no one". It was hilarious.
About two or three miles out of Berthold we all talked aobut going back, then Nikki spoke up, "I suppose we can stay later" We all screamed as Megan slammed the brake and whipped a U-turn on the highway. I was on the phone with Dean and he heard us all screaming. He thought we got in a car accident. He kept saying "what's wrong?" and "what's going on?" As soon as I caught my breath I exclaimed "We're Coming Back!" He was so happy. It took about 5 minutes to get back to the house and then we all knew what we wanted. DaNae was sitting on Jason's* lap, Nikki was sitting on Joe's, I was laying by Dean and Megan was sitting on the floor while Matt sat in the recliner. I yelled at Megan, "Go sit with him!" So she did. And now I guess they're going out, YOUR WELCOME! Everyone had someone, I guess that's just how it was.
I wanted to kiss Dean because we were the only "couple" that didn't kiss yet, let alone do anything else. I thought about just goin for it two or three times, but I figured that if he wanted to, he'd do it. But I wasn't guna wait forever, so I did it. I made the move. And I suppose you wanna hear that it was amazing or romantic or something good. But it wasn't. It was terrible. He's a horrible kisser. It was like his tongue was cemented to the bottom of his mouth. Just plain bad. He, on the other hand, enjoyed it.
Joe told me that Dean has only been with one girl. Which would explain the shaking and the short breaths. But I mean, I really couldn't beleive that. For such a hott guy I couldn't beleive how unexperienced he was.. IS. He's 17. I thought he would have been around the block a few times. But no. I was terribly wrong. And if he's only been with one girl, maybe he's only kissed one girl. That would make sense to me. I mean, it would explain why he totally sucks at it, and not in a good way.
No one wanted to leave and we all had our reasons, but we had to. We couldn't stay. By this time it's crawling around 1:15 and DaNae is struck with a reminder that she is on probation. She needed to be home at 1:30. Not to mention that Megan's mom had called the police reporting her. We went out to the car at 1:25 and started it, thing was, it wouldn't switch gear. It was stuck in park. Eveyone tried moving it and it would budge. found out that we needed transmission fluid, but every place to get it in town was closed. We needed the car. We couldn't go home without it. All we could do was call around and try to find some, or someone who could help us.
At around 3:30 after we all relaxed, one of DaNae's friends showed up amd fixed the car for us. But we didn't actually leave until 4. DaNae wanted to ride with Chris and follow us back to town to see if the was ok, just in case. So Megan, Nikki and I got in the Cadillac and drove away, after saying goodbye to our men of course.
Halfway to Minot we see a cop parked on the side od the road. I had a heart attack, a very smll one, but I know I had one. I thought I was guna puke. We pulled over as the cop turned on its lights. He came up to the car and it was all such a blur. Megan got out. Then the sheriff showed up. He went to Chris' car and the next thing I know DaNae is running to our car and getting in as Chris gets out and gets cuffed. I cried. I don't know why. I think it's because I knew something bad would happen. I thought all of it was my fault. DaNae was bawling in the back seat while Nikki stared at the cop car behind us where Megan was sitting.
They parked his car on the side of the street and he went in the back of the cop car. I did see them uncuff him though, apparently it was because he was driving with a suspended driver's license, but we thought it was because he was driving with a minor. Megan got back in and the cop said he'd follow us to town and "escort" us home. What a jolly time that was. First, it was Nikki. Then me. Then DaNae. I remember calling DaNae and I remember Nikki calling me. Everyone was in massive trouble. It's guna be awhile until we'll be able to hang out again, I can gauruntee that.
Today I slept until 1:30, although I should slept until 3. I watched tv and made some phone calls, but that's basically all I've done. I've been on the computer and this blog is taking forever. I'm starving, but I can't eat. I'm sick ad there's nothing I can do about. I miss my boyfriend, but no one cares. Wow. Life just seems real shitty at the moment.
That's enough blogging for today.
-<3-Liz March 06 I Gotta Stay High-- I Mean Fly..Shit. Life is most hectic and I don't know how it bacame this way. It's only been a few days since my last blog and I already feel lost in cybertime. If that even makes any sense. I haven't been in my right mind for the last couple days. I mean.. I didn't even know I HAD a right mind until I realized I haven't been in it. See what I mean? Everything I say and type is complete nonsense. But I will try my hardest to think.
I bet I can sum up the last month of my life in three words. I. MISS. ANDREW. Count them. That's three! Yep, that pritty much sums it up for me.
This weekend was CRAZY! Holy shit. Where do I start? Friday. Friday: DaNae came over and we wanted to get drunk. Too bad every male buyer in this town is obsessed with with getting a blowjob. So not happening from neither me nor DaNae. So we were alcohol free on Friday night. Although we did meet some kewl kids at McDonald's.
Saturday: DaNae came over when I got off work and shortly after, we dyed half of her hair blue. Yeah, blue. Don't ask questions, ok? Freeman (from work) came over to my house and we hung out for awhile. After chillen for a little while, we went driving around. Hit the grocery store and whattnot. Then we went to pick up Nikki. Ended up going to the wrong house *embarassing* and eventually we left, with Nikki of course. Uhh.. The rest of the night was not important until 11:30. We told my mom we were running over to Nikki's house, but instead we went to one of Nikki's friends' house and got high. Keep in mind that DaNae does NOT smoke bud, so she was clean the whole night. Nikki puked and and passed out on his couch. By this time it's almost one and I needed to go home. So DaNae and I left Nikki on the couch and went to my house. I don't remember sleeping, but I remember DaNae leaving in the middle of the night. And I remember answering the phone the 20 times that Nikki called. All and All, in was a fun time.
Sunday: I slept pritty much all day. Eventually, at around 5:30, I showered and got ready. The only thing was, I had nowhere to go and no one to hang out with. So then Megan came over at about 8 and we went out to eat at Perkin's. It was good. After that, I came home and went to bed. Today: I woke up at 5:45, knowing that I had to drive for driver's ed at 6:30. I didn't feel like showering since I showered about 12 hours earlier, so I threw up my hair, doused it in hairspray, and went out the door. I called Courtney at about 6 and she didn't answer the first 20 times I called. Finally she picked up and gave me directions to her aunt's house, since that is where she's staying now. I picked her up and off to skool we went. We did our drive and both did rather well. The rest of the day was, well, skool. I don't wanna break your heart but, I'm getting sent to East. Monday will be my first day there. I'm guna miss Central SO much.
The one thing about my life is that I'm always in control and now, I'm not anymore. I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow. And for some reason, I like that.
That's enough blogging for today.
-<3-Liz March 02 The Emergency Exit Doors Are Locked..Dance, Dance. We're falling apart to..OH SHUT THE FUCK UP! I love Fallout Boy, but damn are they overplayed and overpublicized. I hate commercialization and that's all they are now, commercial. They may not be sellouts, but it shure seems that way to me. I've seen enough preps walkin down the hall wearing their merchandise and singing along to their music. It makes me wanna puke. Not that I've JUST started feeling this way, more like I'm just now stating it to the entire world. I hope everyone, including those preps, read this blog.
So today I decided that I love skool. Not so much the classes and the teachers, more like LUNCH DETENTION! That's right guys, the punishment I received for skipping last week is now my one and only reason for going to skool in the first place. I love my lunch detention. The people in there are so unbeleivably kewl. Most of them are freshmen, but I could really care less.
Not much else to say about my life, it's basically been revolving around the mall lately. I've been there everyday this week from Sunday until Wednesday. I'm so sick of it. I am NOT going there today, even though DaNae kind of wanted me to. So today I'm guna stay at my house and sit on my ass. I'll probably finish cleaning my room soon.
I should've blogged yesterday, but I didn't feel like it and I was busy. And all the things I would of typed about, don't matter anymore. Like, Cole, for instance. Thought I liked him, and I thought about cheating on my boyfriend with him. But I didn't. Because of the following reasons A) I like Andrew WAY too much to fuck him over like that, B) Cole probably didn't like me anyways, C) It would of pissed off many people and D) I've never cheated on a guy in my entire life, why start now?.
So it probably would have been better to leave that part out, but I feel guilty for ever having the thought of cheating cross my mind, so I had to put it in here.
This weekend I work and I'm guna get shitfaced. That's the plan anyways. DaNae has an alcohol class all day on Saturday and she's going to it hung over. Haha, and then right after she's getting drunk with me again! Sounds great to me. Then, next weekend, I think I'm going to Tioga. Not 100% shure yet, but I'll let you know.
That's enough blogging for today.
-<3-Liz February 22 Trust Me, In My Previous Life, I Was A Professional..God I must be one busy girl if I can't find time to type on here. Right now I'm eating a chocolate chip waffle and it's pritty tasty. I'm also watching, you guessed it, soap operas. Because I, well, I am NOT in skool today. Which I'm shure you've already concluded. It's been a week or so since I've written and guys, there is too much to say.
So, no. Courtney didn't go to Tioga. But, I still had a blast. I couldn't wait to see Andrew. when we got there I just wanted to run over and give him a HUGE hug. But I couldn't, and I didn't.
Well anyways, Andrew got me TWO Valentine's presents (he was my valentine, told you I'd tell)! I only got him one, but he was SO happy, at least I think he was. First, he gave me a heart shaped box with the words "You ROCK My Boat" on it and I opened it up and inside was an Ultra Sensitive LifeStyles Lubricated Latex Condom. Thanx, love.
Then I gave him the gift I had gotten for him. It was wrapped in Christmas paper cuz that's all I had, gay I know. He tore off the wrapping paper to find a cheez-it box (the one I was eating out of last time I blogged). Inside the box he pulled out his present, a 5-pack of BIC lighters. Now I know what your thinking, "nothing SCREAMS romance like a pack of lighters", but if you've ever been to Tioga, you'd understand how important they are to have, especially if you go through a new lighter everyday.
After that, he pulled me into the back room where he reached behind the couch and handed me a small, pink, stuffed pig with a red bandana tied around it's neck (later to be named Stanley). He said "It's not really much but, Happy Valentimes". It was so sweet. I gave him ONE of the biggest hugs I'd ever given (not THE biggest, that's coming up in the story), then we kissed, quite a bit and he asked me if I would go out with him. I was hesitant to answer and then said, "can I think about it?" He said that would be ok as long as I answered him by the end of the weekend. We went back out to the living room, where Megan and Cranberry were sitting in complete darkness, by this time it was around 10 or 10:30. So Keith was about to fall asleep and so we couldn't be loud. Then Andrew suggested we go to his house to watch Saw II. Which is SUCH a good movie. Everyone was game so we left Keith and drove to Andrew's.
Once we got there, his room looked so different. The last time I had been in there was when I met Jacob for the first time and I was dating Richard (when both of them lived in that room). Anyways, he had bunk beds, and the bottom bunk was like a futon kinda thing. Megan jumped on the top bunk and got comfy while Cranberry and Andrew pulled out the futon. As that was going on, I was dancing in front of Andrew's full length mirror to some song that I can't remember. After the futon was all ready, Cranberry sat down on the far side of it and i got in, kinda in the middle. Andrew was standing up, looking for something on his dresser, then he turned around and tossed me his hat. He gave it to me and I was SO excited!
Andrew layed next to me on the bed and asked me "still thinking about it?" and I said I was. "AND?.." he asked. "And.. yes." He was so happy. This is where I gave (and recieved) the BEST hug of my life. We watched for maybe five minutes, then he whispered in my ear "don't watch the movie." I turned and looked straight into his eyes and I have never felt so hypnotized in my life. . . .
(THIS PORTION OF THE BLOG HAS BEEN CUT FOR GOING INTO EXTREME DETAIL OF WHAT HAPPENED ON THE BED)
-I DIDN'T HAVE SEX!-
Sorry about that guys, but if I could even ATTEMPT to put all of that into words it would sound like a romance novel. Which is how he makes me feel. I don't know what it is about him. I want him all the time. I miss him SO much. The rest of the weekend isn't important cuz it was just Megan being gay, and me ignoring her and staring at Andrew.
The day we left, I gave him a hug and then told him to go in the back room. I followed him back there and kissed him with the deepest passion I've ever felt for anyone. I told him I didn't want to leave and he said he didn't want me to either. We kissed again and then left the room, and the house.
For the rest of that night I was depressed, knowing I couldn't see Andrew again before we left and not knowing when I'd seem him next. At around 9:30, Holly, Megan's cousin, said that she would drive us to Minot. So we packed up our stuff and put it in the car.
Then, Megan told Holly she left her hat at Keith's, so we had to go back there. We ran in and Andrew's eyes got so wide, wondering where I had come from since I left the house four hours ago. He thought we'd already left town. Keeping our relationship secret, we couldn't kiss in front of Megan. So when she left the room we had to kiss so quickly, it didn't even count. I sat on the arm of the couch he was sitting on and he said, "I wish you didn't have to leave." I was so close to crying. I could have died right then and there. But I didn't. I had to keep calm. So I said, "Me too". We hugged and it was the saddest good-bye I have ever done.
Ever since we've been back, I've been thinking about him. I called him the night I got back to Minot and we talked for about 15 minutes. Then I talked to him last night on MSN. I'm probably not going to get to see him until March 9th. Because I'm working this weekend and next weekend I'm going to Fargo to visit my dad. Wow, that's way too long.
On a different note, I'm putting in my two week's notice at Burger King. Yeah, that's right guys, I'm quitting. YAY! No more whoppers, fries, and apple pies for this girl. Wish me luck guys, as I will be unemployed until May.
That's enough blogging for today.
-<3-Liz February 14 Cheez-Its And Soap Operas Are A Winning Combimation..Once again I have failed to wake up on time and am at home "ill" for the fourth time this month. Also meaning I just didn't feel like going so I slept in. Just one of those days ya know? Seems to me that I have "those days" alot now. But I don't know why. I'm not going to pretend I do.
Oh by the way, I wish each of you a wonderful Valentine's Day and hugs and kisses to everyone I love. Even though the only person I've seen all day is my not so loving reflection in the mirror, I really hope that someone's Valentine's can be better than me. Although I have a Valentine, I can't spend this day with him on account of, well, he lives out of town. That's all I'm guna say about that. I was thinking about spending the day with my true love, Courtney. But last night she got a job and today is her first day. I'm proud of her and everything, but what do I do now? Spend Valentine's with my only real loves, cheez-its and soap operas.
So Megan and I are going to Tioga this weekend and Courtney may or may not come. We don't know for shure. It will take alot of begging and alot of ass-kissing to her mom. I guess we'll wait and see.
It's kinda awkward now that Megan and Courtney are friends. I'm not used to it. I was used to it when Megan was in between me and DaNae, but now with Courtney it's different. Odd. Don't quite know why I'm feeling this way. Maybe I'm afraid they'll become best friends and leave me on the side of the friendship road. Stupid? Maybe. But right now I don't know what to think about Megan. She's a sneaky, kniving little girl and even though she's not as quick witted as she thinks, she is definately a clever liar.
I've been spending alot of time with Kayla lately and is great. We've been having fun, most of the time, by doing nothing. Sittin around watching Girls Gone Wild with Buck. Drivin up and down broadway aimlessly. I don't know what it is about her, but I love just hangin out with her. I am her Dr. Phil so I'm on call 24/7. *lOvE yA kAyLa AnN*
I've been goin back and fourth to this blog all day. even though it says I wrote it at 3:50 or whatever, I STARTED at 1. I probably won't be done for awhile either. I've been getting all kinds of distractions (mainly my soap operas) and it's taking forever.
I'm listening to Savage Garden right now. Talk about blast from the past. Old, old songs. Which reminds me, today I was dancing in my room trying to be kewl. In MY head, I'm a good dancer. But I will never know if it's true cuz the only person I've actually SERIOUSLY danced with or in front of was DaNae and we are not on speaking terms as of right now.
Speaking of that, my friends wants me to jump this girl for her. A girl that I have hated for longer than she has. I wanna do it so bad. But if I get busted for it, I won't be able to go to Tioga. So then I got a decision. But what I decided is, it can wait until Monday. Then I get my cake and I can eat it too! Saweet!
That's enough blogging for today.
-<3-Liz February 10 Smile If You Want To..High-five for Friday! Haha. It's finally the weekend.. again. So what are my plans? Well, I thought I'd take a little me time. Work on the novel. Haha, yeah right. No, actually tonight I think I'm going to hang out with Danielle and she'll probably stay the night. I gotta work tomorrow at about 11 and that will be most gay.
After work I'm goin home to clean and then Courtney is coming over. *BIG MOMENT*. Haha, not really. But I have been making a big deal about it because I've been hanging out with her since the beginning of the year and she's never been in my house. So I am like, ULTRA excited.
For the most part I've been keeping life on the DL. Not that I've been doing anything top secret. I just haven't been doing anything. Yesterday, my dad came to Minot and I got out of skool ALL day to hang out with him. I had alot of fun. My dad is so fukken great.
Just to change the subject, I would like to tell you that I, Liz, have a valentine! Isn't that the cheesiest, yet sweetest, thing you've ever heard? I'm not going to say who it is, but eventually everyone will find out. I'll let time run it's course on this one. I'll gush at some point, but right now, I'm not breakin.
I've been in random good moods lately and I love it. I love being happy, even if I don't know why. Just little things have been making me smile. It's odd. I haven't felt random happiness in a long time. And it feels good to be happy. I like this SO much better than being my normal dark and gloomy self with the occasional sarcastic, yet witty, antics.
I better get moving though. I got so much to do and not NEARLY enough time to do it.
That's enough blogging for today.
-<3-Liz February 06 Sometimes I Wanna Chew Off My Arm..It's been awhile since I've blogged and you must feel like you've missed alot. Well guess what? YOU HAVE! Way too much has happened since last Tuesday and I'm here to update you on my life.
About 8 hours after my last blog, I called Keith's house and talked to him for a little while. To sum it up, Jacob told him that he didn't wanna go out with me anymore. Which I didn't show much emotion to at first, I just kind of shrugged it off and said "whatever". Then, I got pretty upset. I cried for awhile and felt like dying. I felt so unwanted like no one in the world could possibly want me if Jacob didn't even want me. I felt worthless and unlovable. It was horrible. But that only lasted about 15 minutes.
Then I got pissed. Why was I crying over him? He is such an ass for leading me on like that. He didn't deserve one tear. I just wanted to kick him in the fukken balls. Which is really saying something, because I would never do that to ANY guy. I was so frustrated with the "WHY" and "HOW COME" that I couldn't even think straight. I growled and threw a cd I made for him against the wall, before realizing, "I don't even like Jacob. So why am I being so fucking dramatic?".
I got on the computer and talked to some friends (including his brother Andrew) about what was up and came to the conclusion that I never had any REAL feelings for Jacob. It was all just lust and infatuation. Which I never beleived was real until this situation took place. Courtney called me and it seemed that the last hour of my life didn't even happen. I wasn't heartbroken, I actually didn't even care.
I went on with my life not caring or worrying about Jacob, knowing that I can always find someone new if I feel like I wanna be tied down. But I don't! Being single is way to much fun! Maybe that's just MY opinion, but that's how I feel.
Nothing else really happened until Thursday, when I went to the mall with DaNae and completely skipped The OC. BIG MISTAKE! The movie we saw was Last Holiday with Queen Latifah and I guess it was okay, but DaNae was just being a gaylord and it was totally not worth missing my favorite television program.
Friday, I went out with Kayla and her boyfriend, Nick, and Autumn. We just drove around for awhile and then went to the bowling alley. Being as how I hadn't been there in forever, I really didn't feel the urge to make a fool outta myself and attempt to roll a 9 pound ball down a lane with hopes of hitting at least 1 of the 10 pins. So I just sat there and finally went home.
Saturday I worked and ended up taking Branden's shift, so I didn't get off until 6:30. Then I went to Kayla's for awhile but eventually ended up at Ty's with Courtney getting drunk, "annilated", in the words of Kayla. Then Brian picked up me and Courtney at about 1:30 and we hit the McDonald's for a little snack. Back at Courtney's, we hung out with Brian for a tish bit and then I fell asleep at around 3. I don't know when or how Courtney got into the bed but when I woke up at 6:45 she was right next to me (practically on top of me), so then I went back to sleep until 9:30, when my mom picked my up for work.
I worked until 2 on Sunday and then went home and chilled. Cleaned my room a little bit and did a bunch of laundry. I went to Wal*Mart with my mom at about 5 and got some beauty products (not that they will help with my beauty). Then, I came home and called Courtney. After finishing my conversation with her, I continued my laundry and cleaning and finally decided to take a bath. After stepping out of the tub it was around 10 so I decided to finish up my busy work and buckle down for some hard core sleeping time.
Today, Danielle took me to skool and we had to sit through a 3 hour long drug symposium and it was gayer than all the gays in the gay world of the gay gayness. After that it was Drivers Ed, English and History. In History we're watching The Patriot. You know that movie right? Well, it's pritty good I must say.
Tomorrow I go on a tour of Magic City to see exactly what I will be missing next year when I'm off in my own little drop out world. It's guna be exciting and I can feel it in my bones. I can tell you sense my sarcasm so I might as well just stop writing.
That's enough blogging for today.
-<3-Liz January 31 I Don't Feel Like Society Today..I haven't written in what seems like forever, and I know that you're wondering why. Even if you're not, I'll tell you. It's not like I've been super busy or that I haven't been home. I just haven't had the urge to sit and type. But I suppose that since I'm writing now, I could fill you in on what's been going on.
Friday I went to Tioga with Megan for the weekend. Nothing to get excited about, I mean, not like I've never been there. Actually, I shouldn't say that, because that is where Jacob is, and HE is something to get excited about. Anyways, we just hung out like we usually do and I have no clue where all the time went, and before I knew it, it was Sunday.
Richard came to Tioga on Sunday and got everyone high, not me really, I only took one hit. But that really has nothing to do with anything. At first, I was excited to see him and hang out with him. But then once he got there, I wasn't excited anymore. I think he knows about me and Jacob. It wouldn't surprise me if that pissed him off. Believe me, I love Richard alot, but he is ONLY my friend. Jacob is more than that and I'm not about to lose what I have with him just cuz it makes Richard uncomfortable.
It felt like all weekend Jacob was ignoring me. He wouldn't sit by me. He wouldn't talk to me. He wouldn't kiss me. Although theories flew as to why, but finally on Sunday before we left town, I was saying goodbye to him and he hugged me and walked away. I stood there, shocked, wondering "why the hell didn't he kiss me?" So I went back up to him, hugged him and as my head was on his shoulder I said, "You didn't even kiss me." Then he pulled his head up and looked in my eyes and kissed me. How he could go an entire week without kissing his girlfriend, I don't know. But I DO know that it was killing me. Anyways, so I stayed home from skool yesterday and today, just haven't been up to facing reality. I mean, I can't go to Tioga for god knows how long and I-- I just wish my mind would stop wandering. Tomorrow I'll go to skool. We'll see how that goes. I vaguely remember something about having a dentist appointment scedule for after school. It just dawned on my that tomorrow is February. How awesome is that. I better go, since it's almost time for my stories to start.
That's enough blogging for today.
-<3-Liz January 22 I'm A "Great" Girlfriend..
January 21 Got A Tad Bit Carried Away..Last night I went to Tioga. Alone. Just Me. It was honestly one of the greatest nights of my life. *LIE*. I think I love Jacob. *LIE*. I want to be with Jacob for the rest of my life. *LIE*. Isn't that how I'm supposed to feel? Why don't I feel that way? Yes, I DID have fun last night. But was it the greatest? No, it actually could have been much better. Yes, I DO like Jacob. But do I honestly LOVE him? I don't think so. Yes, I DO want to spend time with him. But do I want to spend my life with him? Probably not. I feel like I don't know him at all. Wait, that's not true. I DO know him. He doesn't know me. It's always him talking, me listening. Everyone who knows me, knows that I only like to be with guys that listen to my endless chatter. But with him it feels as though what I say doesn't matter. I know that he doesn't mean to make me feel that way. But that's how it is. I feel so fucking stupid talking honestly about my feelings for him. I mean, I almost had sex with him. Isn't that the most complete way to show affection for someone? I'm not even shure if I really love him. So why did I let him get so far that he was positive that I was going to let him take my virginity? He almost did. I am SO not ready to have sex with him yet. Or ANYONE for that matter. Because if I would have wanted to have sex before, I could have. But something always stopped me. That's why I've always thought of my virginity as something special. I mean, let's face it, over half my friends are sexually active. But I don't want to be the one who waited and then through it all away like Holly did. Whatever. That's enough blogging for today.
-<3-Liz
January 14 The Police Station Smells Funny..Well that was a great ONE day in Tioga. Seriously. The highlight of my night was riding in the back of the sheriff's pick up. Now, don't go jumping to conclusions, I wasn't in trouble with the law. Not exactly anyways. Just a silly misunderstanding between parents and teenagers.
At 3 pm, me and my brother picked up DaNae and drove to Tioga. DaNae kinda snuck out and lied. She wasn't supposed to go with me, but I didn't really wanna go alone.
So we got to Tioga around 4:30 or something. We went to Keith's and hung out. And the night goes on and drinks were consumed, by everyone but me. Jacob got wasted, of course, while I, the only sober one in the group, was left in charge while Shawn, Jacob, and DaNae went out to Lindsey's.
When they came back it was about midnight. We sat around and whattnot and then DaNae called her mom. She was PISSED.
Long story short, DaNae's mom called the cops and they showed up at Keith's looking for her. She was taken down to the station, and then they came back for me. Apperantly, my mom called, too. Only because Jayne did. Gayness.
So her mom and step-dad came to get us and we sat at the station for almost two hours. We talked to Larry, the cop, almost the entire time. It was kinda fun.
Once we were released into their custody we drove about 30 miles to Stanley and got food. Then drove the rest of the way. I was so mad at my mom.
I got home and smoked a cigarette. At this point in time it was about 4:10 am. My mom came out and gave me a jacket. She said, "Finish that up and come inside." So I did. And I went straight to bed, not awakening until slightly past the hour of 3 pm.
Mom said she would take me back to Tioga to get the stuff I left there. But I don't know when. More than likely tomorrow. But I'm guna see if I can stay the night tomorrow and have her get me on Monday. We'll see I guess. Because I didn't even kiss Jacob.
P.S. Everything is fine with me and Jacob. I really, REALLY like him.
That's enough blogging for today.
-<3-Liz January 09 A Little More Than Kinda..It's amazing how quick my feelings for Jacob were completely and utterly shattered. Anyone care to know how? Well, even if you don't I'm guna tell you anyways.
So, we get to Tioga and everything is going good until Saturday, when we all decided to drink. Two words: Bad Idea. Alcohol causes nothing but trouble and drama. And that's exactly what it did.
Jacob and Megan were both drunk off their asses and I drank, but not enough to be wasted, because I know when to stop. Megan doesn't, clearly.
We were all watching a movie except for Keith and Jacob, who were shooting darts in the other room. I was laying on the couch with Andrew and Megan was sitting in the chair next to the couch. I must admit that Andrew and I were pritty cozy and whattnot, but I mean, we weren't even doing anything but cuddling, and since when is THAT a crime? Anyways, so Megan gets up and walks into the other room to shoot some darts.
Next thing I know, I walk out there for whatever reason and there's Jacob and Megan sucking face like two drunk dumasses. This wasn't just making out, this was macking. Complete, full on, macking. You can imagine my reaction. I felt like screaming, crying and dying all at the same time. But I couldn't do any of those things. I just wanted to run away. Hide from everything and everyone. It felt like part of my heart had died.
I wanted to get them back. I just wanted to go back into the room and make out with Andrew. And maybe I even wanted to do more. But, in the heat of the moment, I changed my mind. I'm not that kind of person. Sure, I felt that way. But putting feelings into actions can often be wrong. And cause much regret.
For the most part on Sunday I hardly saw Jacob. He said maybe two words to me and that's it. I don't think he remembers it happening. I do. That's not shyt that I will soon forget either. My heart is permenantly dented by Jacob Sean Weidmer.
That's enough blogging for today.
-<3-Liz January 03 Education Is Overrated..Well today was the first day of skool since vacation, and man was it GAY! To start off with, Vito (Mr. Vetter) was being a dickhead with his new beard and Mexican tan. First by making Sierra move in the computer lab third hour because we usually talk all the time. And I asked him if he would just give us a chance. I mean, it's the new year and everything. But he wasn't havin it. So Sierra moved and that blew. Second, in lunch detention he made me stay later than everyone else cuz I wasn't sitting in a chair, I put all the chairs away and was standing for the last three minutes. Which I guess, is a big fukken deal to him. Finally, in seventh hour he saw me talkin to Courtney and now I have to copy page 333 of our history book. Gay Gay GAYNESS!
Doesn't help that I was late for skool. Mrs. S was kewl about since me and Sam have study hall that hour, but it still sucked. We just sat there all hour. I did my map for History, not like it mattered. Because I was supposed to do it over vacation and Vito didn't appreciate the fact that I did it.
Then, in Geometry, I was bored as fuck cuz I never do anything in that class. I just sit there. I don't even PRETEND to pay attention. She knows I don't. Besides I'm dropping that class so it doesn't matter.
The only classes that were fun were Biology and Child Development. Because those teachers are nice. Speaking of Biology, I have a project that I should probably do. But, I probably won't.
Oh, and at work (I went to visit today), Mike wasn't even there cuz he got off at 4 and I went at 4:30. I was pissed. Then, I found out that Freeman QUIT! His parents made him cuz they caught him smoking pot. Dammit. But, Marshall's back. I hugged him and told him that I missed him. It was fun.
Anyways, Countdown To Tioga = 3 days!! I cant wait! I'm so excited to see my man. It was scary though for a couple hours because Megan's dad got in a car accident and wanted to come to Minot instead of us coming to Tioga. But, then they decided that it would be better for us to go there. So we had a close call. I'm glad that its going to work out.
That's enough blogging for today.
-<3-Liz January 02 Bring Me Two (More) Pina Coladas..Happy New Year and whattnot guys. This is the first time I've actually been home in awhile. I've been out so much this week and now I finally have a chance to write.
Last night I went drivin around with Kayla, Jim, and Mike. I got high as fuck, and that's the moral of the story. Mike wants me hardcore, so says Kayla. But I don't know. The only person I want is Jacob. So I would dare anyone to try to come between us.
New Year's Eve, well I spent it with Courtney and it was fukken GREAT! Indeed, it was. We drank away the night singin "Two Pina Coladas". Damn, that pina juice was good! Haha, we were fucked up. I love her to death no matter what. We are tighter than tight.
Work sucks lately. I mean, it's fun and all, but Mike is moving and I'm pissed. I love that boy to death and I'm never guna see him again. He's 19, but he's so gorgeous. I'm really guna miss him. Today was the last day I'll work with him, ever. Matt & Marshall have been on vacation since God knows when and so I haven't seen them at all. Freeman's back at work so he can buy me smokes, since he turns 18 on Thursday. Yay!
Speaking of "yay", Countdown To Tioga = 4 days!! YESSSS! Who else is excited for Liz to see her man, AKA my baby's daddy, according to Megan. I talked to Andrew today, me and Megan called him. He's so cute, love him alwayz. I asked him if he'd take me to the candy shop and he said "YES". Haha, yay!
That's enough blogging for today.
-<3-Liz December 29 Just Another Day Crossed Out On The Calender..Today I was thinking about how the time flies by. Damn, just like this day. It was over and done with in the blink of an eye and it makes me wonder about how we all waste away our lives (except for the few people in the world who have also come to this realization).
Like I started thinking about how I'm throwing away my life. I don't mean through the smoking and the alcohol, I mean through the people I call my friends and the people I hang out with.
So many people do so much stupid shit and I wonder if they even realize it. I do. I know half the shit I do is wrong, and I know I probably shouldn't be doin it. But, I feel like I'm runnin outta time. Like the clock is tickin away my life every time a second passes. And that with every minute of my life that I'm wastin, I could be doin somethin so much better with my time. Like, spendin it with Jacob.
And that's why I think that I gotta let him know. About everything. All my feelings and emotions. Because if I never tell him, I could die tomorrow, and he wouldn't of known. Because the time slips away so fukken fast, it's like I don't even know where it's goin until it's gone. And by that time, it's too late to change it.
My time should be spent with people I love. Not people that I don't know. Not with people who are just guna use and abuse me. Not with people who don't care about me. My responsiblities belong to me. And my responsibility, is Jacob. I'm the one responsible for telling him how I feel. And I need to tell him. Soon. But I can't see him until the 6th, of JANUARY! I am guna die!
Cuz ya see, Megan doesn't wanna risk gettin caught down in Tioga cuz then we don't get to go down there on the 6th for the weekend. And I agree. So I'm probably just guna party at Courtney's. Sounds good to me. But, the present I made Jacob isn't guna get to him in time for New Year's.
What if he doesn't know how I feel and he kisses some one else? I would fall apart. He's all I've been thinking about for the last 2 weeks. My world would crash down around me and I would be heartbroken.
Let's just hope that doesn't happen. That way I can go down there on the 6th and make up with him. Well, not really "make up", more like show him that I missed him. AND I DON'T MEAN SEX!
That's enough blogging for today.
-<3-Liz December 27 A Tad Bit Emotional At The Moment..*Sniff Sniff* I just got done watching Titanic. Girls, you know what I mean. It's like you never cry in your life until you've seen it. Let me tell ya about the waterworks. Damn. I was bawlin like a baby the second that she let Jack go, and even though you try to contain it, you cry anyways. Kinda like last night...
So I made Jacob a Christmas present, but see, I have no way to give it to him (being as how he is in Tioga and I am not). It's a cd. With only one song on it, "Blue and Yellow" by The Used. One of my new favorite songs that describes the relationship that Jacob and I have better than I ever could. Hopefully he'll understand it like I do.
Anyways, so a little bit later into the night I had that specific song on repeat, over and over, playing on my stereo full blast, and it dawned on me, "I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH JACOB".
Now ya gotta see that, to me, in my mind, "love" isn't an option, at least not one that I would choose. Never in my right OR LEFT mind would I EVER wanna fall in love. There is too much drama and tears and pain in the "love" package for me. So I live without it. But, to quote one of my all time favorite movies, "Love is a many spendored thing. Love lifts up where we belong. All you need is love." In my case, I don't need it, nor do I want it. With every fiber of my being, I do NOT wanna love Jacob, or ANYONE for that matter. Never. Not me. Not in this lifetime. Although, the thing is, love chose me. And though I can try my hardest to fight it, it isn't guna go away.
For almost an hour yesterday, I cried because of this. I knew that this love wasn't worth fighting. But, in the back of my mind, I wondered, "What if love chose me, but didn't choose him? What if Jacob doesn't love me? Then all of this is a waste."
I don't wanna be one of those girls who think they are in love and turn around to find out that they never were in love and no one ever even cared about them, because it's happened to me before. And I don't wanna feel that kind of pain again.
Today I realized that love is unexpected, and it will happen whether you want it to or not. Not just in my life, but in everyone's. So take what I'm saying to heart. If you think you might be in love, go with it. Because like they say, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to never of loved at all." And though I want to beleive that's true, it may take a few more lost loves to know for sure.
That's enough blogging for today.
-<3-Liz |
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